Christmas Conflict and Coercive Control
Stress at Christmas
After the lockdowns and difficulties of the last 2 years, people are really looking forward to having a Christmas where they can finally catch up with family and friends.
Unfortunately, the pressure of wanting to make everything perfect can lead to conflict and emotional stress.
This can become intimidating where one partner constantly criticises the other, corrects how they do everything from wrapping the presents to setting up the Christmas lunch.
It becomes even more stressful when Christmas is segregated between families so that one partner barely sees their family and has to fit in with the other partner’s extended family plans.
What seems like a caring family person becomes a controlling, manipulative abuser.
It is a fine line to determine whether this behaviour is just reactive stress due to the seasonal pressures or if it constitutes coercive control.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours which are designed to create a situation where one party has control over the other and ultimately renders one party to a relationship totally isolated.
As a form of domestic abuse it is insidious as the abuser can convince the victim that the behaviours are motivated by care and concern when in fact they are to shift the balance of power in the relationship.
Victims may not be aware of the power imbalance and think that the situation is normal.
Too often the psychological manipulation and abuse becomes physical violence when the victim tries to break away or leave.
Added to the already overpowering emotional abuse, the perpetrator will also try to turn the children against the other parent and blame the victim for creating the situation.
Warning signs, things to look for, alerts
One of the hardest things about coercive control is the gaslighting where the abuser makes you doubt your own experience and even your sanity. The abuser creates a narrative that makes you question your own thoughts and believe their truth rather than your own truth.
For example, the abuser may say that you have been rude or dismissive of their family when in fact you were busy minding the children to ensure they did not break anything of the in-laws’ Christmas china. The abuser will not accept the explanation and badger the victim to accept that it was a deliberate insult to the abuser’s family.
Constant Monitoring
The abuser may at first appear to be caring by picking up the victim from work and ensuring that they are always with them.
This is actually to control the victim’s movements and totally isolate them so that the abuser can control their life, their actions and their freedom.
The mobile phone will be monitored and the victim will have to account for every part of the day whether at work or at coffee with friends.
Often the perpetrator of the abuse will wait outside in the car to monitor the time and place of any social activities.
The victim will eventually lose touch with family and friends.
Gender Bias and Stereotyping
This is mainly when the abuser is the husband/male partner but it can happen in same-sex relationships.
The woman is compartmentalised into the traditional housewife.
The washing has not been organised into colours, the laundry has not been folded properly, and clothes have not been picked up off the floor. Dinner is not ready in time. The list goes on.
Constant and Extreme Criticism
The perpetrator of coercive control may use belittling names and become so abusive that the verbal tirades verges on physical violence. Threats may be made to the family pet, all to control by intimidation.
Often physical violence does not arise until after the victim has escaped. It is then that the victim finally recognises all the signs of coercive control. Again, this is often too late as we read in the news of another murder or murder/suicide.
Financial Control
In the same way that the perpetrator of coercive control limits the victim’s freedom of movement, controlling the finances restricts any chance of escaping the relationship. Without an independent means of supporting oneself and often small children, the victim stays in the relationship as there is no alternative.
Spending on the weekly groceries, on clothes, on coffee with friends is all monitored and limited. Any excess is criticised and has to be accounted for in the next week’s budget.
Limits on bank accounts, access to credit cards and even knowledge of the family finances are all restricted so that the victim has no freedom or independence.
WHAT CAN THE VICTIM DO?
The Coercive Control Act 2022 (NSW) was passed by the New South Wales parliament on 16 November 2022, officially criminalising coercive control.
It will now constitute an offence to carry out repeated abusive and coercive controlling behaviours to a current or former intimate partner with the intention of coercing or controlling.
A guilty party may face up to 7 years gaol for such an offence.
Mixed Reaction to the Legislation
Some activists have criticised the government for rushing the legislation through parliament. Critics say that there is not an adequate definition of domestic violence and that police have not been appropriately trained.
As the bill will not come into effect for another 15-18 months, further consultation will be lobbied to ensure that victims are not re-traumatised by the Court system.
The NSW Attorney-General stated “The fact that it’s challenging is not an excuse for doing nothing. Coercive control is a proven red flag for domestic violence homicide.”
Victims in the Community
One activist who has experienced first-hand the result of coercive control is Sue Clarke, the mother of the Queensland woman Hannah Clarke who was murdered along with her 3 children, by her ex-partner.
Ms Clarke said her daughter did not know that she was a victim of coercive control and would always defend her ex-partner saying “He did not hit me.”
WHERE DOES THE FAMILY COURT FIT IN?
The Family Law Act has a very broad definition of family violence and includes violent, threatening or other behaviour that coerces or controls a member of the person’s family or causes the family member to be fearful.
The Act also includes physical, sexual assault, stalking, making derogatory remarks, damaging property, hurting or threatening to hurt a family pet and/or “unreasonably denying the family member the financial autonomy that he or she would otherwise have had.”
Additionally, any violence, threat of violence or anything that would make a child fearful constitutes family violence in the Family Law Act.
In addition to an AVO or Domestic Violence Order brought by the Police for any violent or harassing behaviours by your partner or ex-partner, your lawyer can seek Orders that there be supervised contact with the children or no contact at all.
CASE EXAMPLES
We have represented women, men and parents who have sought protection for themselves and their children from former partners who have coercively controlled them. In some cases this has led to violent outbursts when our client has left or attempted to leave the former matrimonial home.
In one case when the mother left with her son, the father physically abused her and caused permanent hearing loss.
We successfully represented her so that the father is to have no contact with her or the son and her address cannot be revealed to him.
In another case, the husband/father constantly monitored our client’s movements. She was unable to maintain her employment at a supermarket because her partner would wait in the car outside and telephone to see where she was. He also monitored her underwear and medical treatment.
Ultimately, the father was only allowed cards and the mother was allowed to move to her family overseas. It was disturbing at the hearing that the counsel for the other party suggested that the mother had to live within 15 minutes of a railway station. We successfully submitted to the Judge that this would deprive the mother of freedom of movement.
Another case demonstrated how a partner will attempt to turn a young child against the other parent. The father taped on his mobile phone, conversations with the child where he interrogated the child about where the mother was and what the mother would say.
Again we were successful in seeking orders for sole parental responsibility to reduce the opportunity for the former partner to interfere and attempt to control the movement and decisions of our client.
If you need help or advice about any of the above information please contact us and we can discuss your needs.
YOUR SAFETY
If you identify with any of the content of this article it is important that you seek help from your local refuge, doctor or community. If this article has raised any issues for you, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) and speak to someone who can give you immediate help.
Please be advised our office will be closed from 5:00pm on 16 December 2022 and reopens at 8:30am on 9 January 2023
This article is not legal advice and is for information purposes only.