Christmas, Blended Families & Property

HIS HERS OURS… What about the CHILDREN?

CHRISTMAS & BLENDED FAMILIES & PROPERTY

Which child gets what?

You may have seen the headlines “Fury as man buys first-class seats for his kids but not for his fiancé’s children”.

Whether apocryphal or true, the headline encapsulates the potentially conflicting issues that may arise in managing both the parenting and financial needs of blended families.

If you had to go to Court to obtain orders for Parenting and Property settlement, you will have a fair idea of how difficult it can be to negotiate a workable solution to manage family finances.

You will also have seen the effect of the proceedings on your children.

Beware Parental Favouritism

Having gone through the trauma of witnessing their parents separate, children need security and the knowledge that they are loved.

It is important to talk to your new partner about how you will manage your finances together and how you will share activities and responsibilities for all the children.

You will want to protect and nurture your biological children after witnessing their reactions to the varied experiences of moving to a new home or sharing a home with other children who do not enjoy their interests and may have clashing personalities.

However, now that you are a “blended” family, all the children form the household and each must feel they have a place in the family.

In the “First Class” case above, not only did the family spend Thanksgiving apart, the man’s mother castigated the fiancé for raising spoiled and entitled children.

The background to the case reveals that the fiancé had given up work with the agreement of her partner so that she could finish a degree. The arrangement was for the man to be the “breadwinner” while the fiancé in addition to her studies, would act as homemaker parent for all the children.

Practical Details

Although the above couple thought they had worked out a plan, they had not looked at the minutiae of implementing that plan.

This can create crises at significant holiday times such as Christmas when the stresses of managing competing family interests can lead to anxiety and conflict.

It may seem easy in theory but with, for example, 2 children from each family and another on the way, finances may be stretched and children may resent the situation. One child may have to give up ballet classes, another taekwondo while all the children may have to give up Christmas camps.

Canvassing Options

There are a number of ways that you could consider the impact of managing two households becoming one.

The family doctor practice can refer you to family counselling. You may have been given advice by family counsellors while settling your parenting and property matters after separation.

A school counsellor may be able to assist the children in adjusting and in giving you strategies to help them to negotiate the new family dynamics.

Most important is for the two of you to discuss finances and work out boundaries NOW. Do not wait until arguments and resentment create a volatile and bitter atmosphere.

Once the boundaries are worked out then spell them out to the children so that no hint of preferential treatment can arise and that each person in the family is equally important.

If your partner will not compromise for his family or insists on controlling the finances be alert to signs of coercive control which can be puzzling and confusing.

(See our article on Christmas Conflict and Coercive Control)

What if the Relationship Ends?

If the conflict cannot be resolved it may be an indication that ultimately the situation would not improve.

Whatever the reason if you are now facing a second divorce or separation, you will need to have a very clear idea of your financial and non-financial contribution to the relationship whether as breadwinner or homemaker or a combination of both.

(Please see our various articles on Property Settlement.)

What about Child Support?

What will the Courts take into account? E.g. what if your ex-partner from your second long-term relationship has paid private school fees for your children?

This will be considered a contribution by your ex-partner.

At the same time the role of the homemaker parent for all the children of this relationship will undergird the value of such a contribution to the financial and emotional stability of the family.

Case law demonstrates that if one partner has been able to establish and grow a career or a business because the other partner has taken charge of all home and educational management of the family then that contribution will be considered significant.

The mix of personalities and interests that make up the modern blended family can be a source of great security with extra grandparents to help and encourage the children and give extra support to the parents.

If you are separating after caring for stepchildren and need assistance in working out what impact your contributions may have on the property settlement and/or any parenting orders, please contact us so that we can advise you accordingly.

Please be advised our office will be closed from 5:00pm on 16 December 2022 and reopens at 8:30am on 9 January 2023

This article is not legal advice and is for information purposes only.